I was reading about Grace today, I have always had a hard time understanding grace, let alone carry it with me. My mother is the definition of it, and I have always admired her, although at times she has made me quite angry and unimportant with her indifferent attitude(or at least I thought it was indifference at the time)…
Living beyond the good or bad, not getting effected by the ego, being bigger than the worldly behaviours, it’s grace. Her not responding to my toxic words, or feeding to my ego, was not ignorance or treating me like a fool, but showing how there are more important things in life, and how much of a bigger person you can be in the times of dissatisfaction. This had always made me wonder why would the universe give me a mother who has such grace, while I don’t carry any.
Until I met a guy, lets call him Mr. big ( you know in the honour of sex and the city, I know what you think, but if you were a single girl in love with NYC you would have loved this show too)…
Mr. big was confident, positive, in the moment, charming, indifferent, and if I have to end his attitude with a word here, would be Solid. He wasn’t very expressive about his feelings, but he always said the right things, which reminded me of someone; My mother. I felt warm and at home around him. Not because I felt like he was my mother!!( Are you kidding??) But because I felt an admiration for him, without even knowing him that well.
I still don’t know him that well (I think). But for a long time I was blaming him for walking away or not expressing his feelings, or being indifferent or careless about my feelings, and finally being a lier. Someone that is too much of a coward to be honest and say what needs to be said, as he always said what I needed to hear. A perfect word wizard, a charmer.
Until one day I felt that I had enough and walked away. I could not take the lack of passion and indifference in him, and said goodbye. That was when I received an email from him, and heard the truth between his words; Grace.
Kindness usually brings grace along with it, when you care about others, not breaking their heart and letting little things go becomes a package for being graceful. And if you are a student of grace like me and do not understand this kind of behaviour, it will all look like indifference, carelessness and a lie.
He was kind, graceful and saw the big picture, that is why he didn’t want to hurt me. Silence does not always mean meanness, and I thank him for teaching me this. Sometimes people come to your life just to complete the lesson you’ve been trying to learn all your life.
I am not sure if I ever see him again, but I am motivated by his presence and his warmth to carry on grace with me from now on.
Good or bad are just two opposites of an experience, once we live beyond such judgement, we will experience grace. So next time you start to judge someone for their lack of words, or honesty, take a second and consider grace…